Friday, December 20, 2013

Family Death and am I Doing Okay?

My Father died last week, he had an ongoing illness however it was not expected, it was sudden and of course like so many, many people...I didn't see it coming.  I had just left the hospital, he made me go buy him a Bacon, Cheeseburger at Vera's Burger Shack on Davie Street in Vancouver, it was his favorite and later on he asked me to buy him a "decent cup of coffee" since the hospital coffee tasted like "shit" (sorry...but that was his opinion). We talked most of the day and like any other time, we had the kiss on the cheek and I said that I loved him and would he like to call me in about an hour, should be home by then, which he replied "yes" and a "talk to you soon". I walked to my car and was driving on Westminster Highway,when the phone rang. *Yes...I have bluetooth..handsfree* It was the Nurse, Odette, I was surprised and confused by the call as I was just there 10 or so minutes ago, so I told her I would pull over. Which I did. And I turned off the car..

Odette told me that she was so very sorry and that my Father had died.

I could hear in her voice that she was choked up...but surely there was a mistake?? I even asked her that. I think it's because I was in shock.  She said that she had just turned him and that this is when it happened, it was sudden.  She asks me if they should call a Minister or the like to administer Last Rights or something like that..I said yes and to please do it straight away.  And now all I can think is one thousand things at once and at the same time, my mind is blank. I'm not sure what I am feeling.

I tell her to please go ahead, I explain where I am and tell her I need to call family and I will call as soon as I am home and able to focus. She explains that there is no rush. I tell her I will get there as soon as I can and I hang up.

I start to cry.

I make it home, driving slower than normal because I'm aware that my level of distraction may be higher because of my emotions.

And since then. I've had so much trouble dealing with the bank, Scotiabank, and the movers, the family who was already calling me and demanding items from his home and wanted to know "where all his money was", is enough to make anyone crazy.

I guess I am lucky that I got five days off of work to go deal with things but honestly, my heart is no longer there and neither am I in my own way. I have no interest in my job, going there just reminds me that I don't have enough time to do the rest of the things that need to be done.  I work and then go home whereupon I spend several hours trying to inventory his belongings, do research on how to get legal help because the bank is withholding funds even if they are not trustee's. It's all a big mess.

I am also dealing with a health issue, on the same week Dad passed, I had major surgery. I didn't have any choice on moving his belongings, had no money left and so although I wasn't supposed to lift and was supposed to rest,  well...lets just say that I tore open and have a bad infection in the wounds.

I'm terribly sad inside. I don't want to speak to my family any longer as they didn't show up to help, they're just concerned with what they can get. I heard and I had read that when someone dies that it can either bring a family together or tear it apart. Mine is the latter.

So, all one can do, is hope that you don't wind up in the hospital yourself, no one will care for you and you need to do what I am doing and cut all ties with the selfish people that want to monopolize your time and couldn't care less about you and your feelings.  One of my friends say that I'm not grieving, and I told her that I didn't have time right now. I'm too busy trying to get free legal help, trying to keep my job and figuring out how to keep food on my table without having the luxury of feeling much of anything other than exhaustion and hunger and even that's pushing it.

I'm probably not okay, but I can't say that I really even care about that.  So, if you're in the same boat as me, or you've been through this and understand that telling someone that I should look on the bright side of life is much akin to telling someone that's starving to think positively and food will drop miraculously from the skies, then maybe you truly have some idea of what I'm feeling or not feeling. Advice is welcome. 

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