Thursday, October 17, 2013

Turning Fifty and Feeling It

I write this as I get bombarded with another channel posting about how many Celebrities are turning Fifty this year, Demi Moore; Brad Pitt; Mike Myers; Lisa Kudrow and the list goes on and on.  I don't know what has changed inside me this year but something's certainly different. Oh wait, yes of course I feel different! I've gained over 47 pounds in less than 3 months, I don't sleep more than 3 hours per day, I can't eat without getting sick and I live with migraines that would make a Marine sob like a little baby in pain.  That's what's changed.

I can't say that my appearance is anywhere close to what it was over the past few years, now I deal with skin that has turned to sandpaper and I live in constant fear that I will lose my job, become homeless again and everything I eat is poison. Good times.

The smug will say "have faith" "everything happens for a reason" and "hang in there". Easily said. And its easy for people to tell me to compare my life to someone that is starving in Ethiopia yet it is the same people who will click the "like" button on Facebook thinking somehow "liking" a photo of starving orphans is the same as actually feeding them.  I have never been one that felt sorry for myself but I find myself doing that more often now and that is a hard thing to admit considering my life has been more about serving and caring for others no matter what the cost. Does this make me a bad person? No. It makes me human, a human that is not looking forward to turning fifty, not looking forward to declining health and not looking forward to taking care of the entire family as they age. It's safe to say that I am frightened of the future and what it has in store for me. 

I've always been alone on my birthday because of the day it falls on, most people are away or busy and I've become accustomed to not let it bother me any more, but this year it's different and I wish I knew why. Maybe it is selfish of me to even think about myself compared to the troubles of the world, and yet, I am.

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