Saturday, September 17, 2016

Ugly and Getting Old

I thought that if I wrote this post that maybe someone out there may read it because they feel the same way and perhaps, that commonality will let us know we are not alone.

I no longer look in the mirror, nor wear make up, nor care about the veins on my face (I have transulcent skin) or the sagging skin, the bald spots of the alopecia, the stomach that I cannot get rid of, the fatigue, the nights of 2 hours of sleep.

I stopped going out unless it was to travel to work and back home, no events, no shopping centres, no dinners, no celebrations, it just all stopped.

My closet is now a bare minimum of a few pairs of pants (mostly black) and whatever top that will be baggy enough to cover things up, I also wear my zip up jacket in order to cover my arms, I wear it at work, even if I am in the office. More coverage is better.

Sometimes when I wash my hair, my hands are full of clumps of hair that fall out, I used to cry but I stopped doing that too.

I became sick after caring for several people in my family who aged and then got sick, then died. It was a 24/7 job dealing with horrible situations with other family members who refused to help. I tried to hold down my job while taking calls sometimes upwards of 30 or more per day dealing with high-maintenance personalities. I gave up being engaged, the man left me and moved away. He'd asked me to live with him but I could not leave my family obligations.

I lost my home, I live in a room now. In my mid fifties makes me feel ashamed at how I have to live. I have nothing left. I stopped believing in anything when I was assaulted as a child and then as a young woman and then a full grown woman by a man.  I am sure that all men are not like that but  my days of trusting and loving are all gone.  I have no interest whatsoever. I lost that about 10 years ago and it never came back. I just did not have the energy any longer, and the thought of having to take care of more people, well, I did not have it left in me.

Now I spend my time hoping for the end, just not to be a burden on anyone and die peacefully and not homeless. That is my fear, I have been there as a child and a teenager, it was terrifying. Now that I am older, I do not know what that will mean for me, once I can no longer afford to live in my room.

What I find horrible is that people try to push "faith" on me, "have faith" they say, or "this is happening to you because you did something bad in your past life" (karma). There was no god while I was being assaulted, there was no one there to pull the man off of me as a child, there was no stopping the rapings or beatings that I got. It was just an endless circle of abuse fueled by the confines of upbringing and told to turn the other check coupled with family telling me that I had better take the offer of marriage because no one will want you, you'll be lucky if someone wants you. It is not the ideal way to bring up a child, but that is how it was and you had to make the best of your situation.

No one believes you when you tell them your ex husband came after you when you are divorced for 20 years, but that happened, it was violent. Do you think anyone believed me before? No. Did they believe me now, I don't know as I did not tell anyone. My life is myriad of people pleasing to the point of losing your own self and your own mind.

That is where the ugly is. It is a cumulative effect of all the devastation in my own life. I am unattractive to the point that I have been the target of humiliating experiences, which included publicly being laughed at or made fun of and exclusion. I would suppose being poor also does not help ones appearance but what can you do with the poor health that goes with that. 

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